DVD Commentary Post
Jun. 23rd, 2006 10:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minxyTitle: Like No One Is Watching Author DVD Commentary
Commentary Written For:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aurora_novarum, who pimps a pimp, and does it well.
Story Written For:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
sg1teamficathon back in December.
Prompts: S1-4 (no spoilers for S5 or beyond), Daniel injured and some kind of storm, for Settai.
Spoilers: Forever in a Day. Set S4ish.
Authors notes: Thanks to betasrydra_wong, kres and delphia2000, who helped so much.
I think the betas I asked for help might be my most lasting memory of writing this: it was my first time writing with RW's help, and she's since become soundingboard, cheerleader, behindthescenes person I cannot do without and the one who decides when it's done sometimes. I knew we'd be okay when she put up with my panic about writing for a ficathon and writing waaaaay ahead of the deadline, and when she explained the use of semi-colons in clear, coherent language. Awwwww, this was kind of our first date!
delph is the beta who'd been there from the beginning and seen some of my very worst writing (which I shall not share with anyone else), and Kres inspired the structure and is an extraordinary writer herself. I can't remember exactly how I managed to be so bold as to ask Kres to beta, but I believe it had something to do with her having a really bad time and posting that we should all send her fic. I didn't have anything finished but I think that was the impetus to ask her to glance over my attempt at disjointed chronology and she beta'd in such an extraordinary way: at the end of every scene, she'd recap what she, as a reader, had learned in that scene, when resolution came to quickly, when nothing was advanced, when something was explained, when tension was ramped up. I've passed on the technique to several people because I was just so impressed with how much it helped the story. As a side note, she had actually asked for p0rn stories, and when this was posted admonished me to write her p0rn next time, which is why she got the dedication in the smutfic.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like no one is watching.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
I'm not sure the title needed the clarification, but early season Daniel strikes me as the kind who never cares if people are watching, but hasn't got the kind of joy or value in himself required to celebrate for no good reason.
Like No One Is Watching Now with Authorial Comments!
The story without me nattering is here.
~~~
It was Sam’s voice that Daniel heard, he was pretty sure. Of course, he was also reasonably sure that Sam should be… somewhere else, so there was a good chance as well that she was a hallucination.
Trumping all these musings, though, was the overwhelming confusion about why a culture that seemed to be Central African in origin would be so adept at Chinese water torture.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
Sam? I thought you were with Jack? You need to get the data on the stone back through the gate, Sam.
~~~ So, as Kres would say, we learn that there is separation in the team, that Daniel is injured and there is water (or, if you've read the prompts, some kind of storm). Yes, this was my first ficathon piece and it seemed extremely important to me toget an A address all the prompts right off the bat, omg! Actually, though, this was the first scene I wrote and when it briefly, on experiment, was displaced as opening scene both Kres and RW complained. Good sign that your opening is nifty.
“So,” Sam had said, “Talk to me, Daniel.”
It was the kind of opening she loved to give him and on missions like this, when he was so excited and Jack was so preoccupied with threats and timetables. Daniel would have melted with gratitude if he hadn’t been so buzzed on the implications of his find.
“Sam, this is incredible. This could be the Rosetta Stone of our time… and, I mean, the implications of this are astounding. Although it’s clearly moved from its original place, possibly tactically, it’s carefully guarded…”
“You do not feel that these free warriors seek to remove the local Goa’uld from power, then, Daniel Jackson?” Teal’c asked.
“Well, no, I’m sure they would like that ultimately, Teal’c, but their numbers are too few to really be attempting to overthrow anyone, and this seems like a long term operation, don’t you think? They might not even know what it says anymore. Look at the age on this…”
“I think what Daniel is saying is that they pick their battles, Teal’c.”
“What? Oh, yes, exactly… You know, Sam, this could be one of the greatest discoveries since we opened the Stargate.”
“You, Daniel.”
“What?”
“Since you opened the Stargate. So really, it could be the greatest discovery since your last great discovery? Is that what you’re saying?”
Sometimes, she got far too much joy out of ribbing him. Sam was lucky he was so focused on what he was already calling the Alien Rosetta Stone, or he’d have squinted in her general direction.
~~~ Does anyone else get bored with people not appreciating Daniel? I get really bored with that. He's a standout, he just has really different priorities and doesn't think he's done enough and this fuels the obsession with working. So Sam is being relaxed and geeking out with him and teasing, and I got Teal'c in there too, trying to figure out why a community would protect information rather than stand up and fight out in the open. This was before I had written much Teal'c or Sam centered stuff, so I felt like I had to be deliberate about getting them into the fic in an integral way because it didn't come naturally. Also, RW gets credit for the esoteric Rosetta Stone knowledge and teaching me about it enough to sound like I knew what I was talking about.~~~
Warmth leeched out of Daniel in throbs syncopated to the tramping of Teal’c’s boots. To keep his eyes open was dizzying, but preferable to keen awareness of pain or what was possibly worse, no awareness of anything.
He was glad he’d finally cut his hair, so he could see well enough, hanging sideways over Teal’c’s shoulder, to give warning when he thought he saw a flash of metal in the otherwise damp green forest.
Teal’c reacted quickly and found a defensible position that involved placing Daniel under a bush and dripping water. He couldn’t see much but Teal’c, though Teal’c in full battle mode was something to see and the lightshow could have easily been mesmerizing.
Like the water falling on his face. Mesmerizing.
He found breath for his voice and stuttered through the radio that they were taking cover and taking fire.
A few minutes later Sam asked in a crackled and panting voice, “I’d estimate by this time at a slower pace you’d made it to the valley and turned, possibly half a klick in from the turn. Does that sound right to Teal’c, Daniel?”
Flipping his staff weapon and firing at their left flank, Teal’c roared an affirmative.
Daniel chokingly relayed that information, but it caused him to cough and that seized his muscles and battered midsection and he decided that talking was overrated. It was also getting progressively more difficult to focus on Teal’c, but given the persistence of the pain radiating through his body with each breath and the cold of the rain falling in drips and spikes, there were worse things than passing out.
~~~ I like lateral thinking with Daniel about cutting his hair and stuff, but man, it took some editing before I could let his brain jump from subject to subject and still have it be clear to the reader what was happening. It doesn't help, of course, that he's going to become and increasingly unreliable narrator, in and out of consciousness, caught up in his mind, and unsure of what's real. In this scene, you have further explanation of why water is dripping on his face from the opening Chinese water torture line (because Teal'c put him under a bush to be less visible since he'll not be defending himself really) and demonstration that Teal'c believes him when he says he thinks he saw something, so more faith from the pals. We're set late S4, though, so it makes sense that Daniel would be competent at radioing in their sitrep and mentioning when he saw an enemy.~~~
The storm rolled over them in waves of white noise and varying pressure. The rain could be felt, but not seen until it gathered on leaves, pooled and ran in rivulets that poured into the already saturated air.
Daniel stared at the sky until it suddenly became ground.
Then noise roared in with the pull on his wound and Daniel heard his radio, or Teal’c’s radio, call Jack’s harsh breath and voice.
“Jack,” Daniel croaked into his vest and Teal’s shoulder as he fumbled for the radio’s button to let himself be heard, “Jack, Sam has the rubbings from the stone, those have to get through the gate.”
“Goddamn it, Daniel, enough about the stone! How the hell did you get hit?”
“Tree turned on me.” He mumbled, bumping up against Teal’c’s shoulder; the trees had turned on him again and were upside down.
“Teal’c,” came Sam’s voice through the channel, “we have no access to your position. There is a valley looks to be 1-2 klicks ahead to your left that will bring you around to the side of the Stargate in good cover.”
“Understood. I am unable to make very quick time. However, I do not believe it safe to stop and tend the injury.”
“Acknowledged, we’ll lead them down the other side of this ridge. Get to the gate.”
~~~So this is after Daniel is hit, Teal'c is with him, Jack and Sam are still being pursued and everyone needs to get to the gate. It's a reveal of the primary, I think obstacle in the fic, which is Jack and Daniel being at odds over priorities. Jack is all about personal safety and doesn't pay much attention to the words he uses maintaining that, and Daniel is obsessed with work and words, so sometimes takes Jack too personally. Also, that data is set up as Really Important to Daniel, moreso than his own safety, and Jack is an obstacle to getting that through the gate preferentially, making him an antagonist as long as Daniel feels the data is more important.~~~
“Daniel,” Jack entered the cave with silent footsteps and a large shadow, “Finish those drawings double time. Jaffa presence is increasing this way. We have got to get a move on.”
“Rubbings.”
“What?”
“Can’t we just hole up here, sneak out later?”
“The Colonel is right, Daniel, our tracks will lead them right to this cave and the stone if we aren’t careful.”
“Let me just do one more video pass.”
“I shall remove the evidence of our presence here.”
“Daniel, we have exactly no time for dallying.”
~~~Reveal of the set up, how the day began for Jack and Daniel butting heads, that they're doing everything right, just with different styles.~~~
Daniel was lying the way he had when he watched Sha’re die, Teal’c standing over them, weapon in hand and apology instant.
“Aaaaaah, Teal’c, this is not a clean wound. Splinters and … Jesus! You could kill a vampire with a piece of wood that size.”
“I am unfamiliar with the battle strategies employed against such an enemy.”
Only she had said her goodbyes. Gotten the information to him that her son needed protection, then lay with him as she died. He had laid beside her then, as Teal’c and Sam knelt beside him now.
He would have cursed, but the harsh cold of rain falling on his side, and the added shooting, surging pain stabbing toward his diaphragm every time Sam prodded the open wound took away his ability to yell properly.
“Well, when we get home…” Sam’s voice was a little shaky, “Janet can clean these out, hook Daniel up with some really nice drugs and you and I will explore the wide world of vampire movies.”
“Indeed.”
~~~Does anyone care what the injury was? I'll tell you anyway, it was schrapnel of the tree variety, which was a wink to the horrendously bad shots that are the Jaffa, and also allowing for a lot of smallish, potentially bad wounds that could cause bloodloss and shock, be something that would overwhelm Sam as a field medic and create a new tension in how quickly they get Daniel home. I wanted Daniel out of it, though. I wanted to play with registering, but not understanding (dialog without telling you who's speaking), not really knowing where he is, thinking things aren't real, being more aware of the small picture, like water dripping on him, than the bigger picture of badguys (which allows his faith in his team to show too.) Also? I really love Teal'c and Sam talking about movies (this is clearly a fanon thing for me), and I think Teal'c is more likely in general to say what he's really thinking to Sam then to the others because she'll actually give an explanation relevant to the topic if he's off. Although with the Teal'c ficathon piece, I did not have them watching vampire movies, sadly. I actually think tap-dancing would be way scarier to Teal'c, though.~~~
“I’m nearly there with only approximately 4-5 in pursuit. What is your situation?”
“Reinforcements continue to arrive, though we remain protected and I believe your access remains available.”
“Confirm you are on the same side of the river as the Stargate and backed up against a rock outcropping.”
“Confirmed. Your medical assistance with Daniel Jackson is needed urgently, Captain Carter.”
“There are two more on your left flank, Teal’c, I can’t take them all down on the move like this.”
“I shall meet you approximately half the distance and assist you.”
“Daniel will be alright on his own?”
“He is well concealed, but I believe his awareness of his surroundings is inconsistant.”
Which was not true. There was water dripping on Daniel. He was keenly aware of that.
~~~More with the Daniel out of it stuff, but I like Sam and Teal'c being really kick-ass all around him, and I like that he would notice a little more if he were the subject of the conversation. So I let him register that they were talking about him just in case he over heard what they were getting him for his birthday or something.~~~
It was Daniel’s luck to defy odds and be the one who got hit.
In his defense, though, that Jaffa had hit a nearby tree. The shot had merely ricocheted off the target, along with the assorted splinters and wood spikes and landed somewhere in the vicinity of Daniel’s left kidney.
All of which he had plenty of time to consider while he and Teal’c (who had unfortunately tried to catch him as he fell) slid through mud and shale off the ridge they’d all been running on. Jack and Sam were at a full run when Daniel went down and he could no longer see them in his limited view of the ridge above, which was just as well; the Jaffa would be all over that area in a minute, and the stone was more important.
Daniel turned to look for Teal’c just as the pain in his side began to make itself felt, blooming angrily in radiating throbs straight through his midsection. There were worse things than being alone at this moment, and he hoped that Teal’c and Jack and Sam were in better shape than he, wherever they were.
~~~Explanation for those readers who did not have the author geeking out over their shoulder. It was interesting to write descriptive pain, because I wanted it to be enough to be really present, but on the edge of not feeling like anything anymore due to bloodloss and shock. This is also a comparison scene so everyone is aware of how lucid Daniel can be, since we'll slip into the subjunctive next and that confused some folks.~~~
“Talk to me, Daniel.” She was always saying that.
“Did you get the data through the gate, Sam?”
“Jesus, Daniel, you have a one track mind.” Jack would say.
“Well, technically you had the camcorder so we had to come back for you, right?”
“What is written on that stone, anyway, makes it so damned important to you?”
“It doesn’t really matter what is written.” he would say long-sufferingly. “The point is there are at least 6 different languages and they look to be telling the same story, which would mean …”
“Wait, so it could be a dirty limerick?”
“The universe’s most widely distributed romance novel?”
“How are you feeling, Daniel Jackson?”
Thank God for Teal’c, Teal’c would make them behave even if no one else could.
~~~So here it is: the subjunctive scenes are Daniel home and drugged up to his eyeballs (puncture wounds in torso would have required some attention, and Sam's reaction indicates that some of them might have gone deep which would have required some significant checking out to make sure all organs are good.) The really good drugs have some really wonky effects sometimes: someone will be sitting up and talking to you, close their eyes for a minutes and fall asleep sitting up, or a totally lucid conversation will be interrupted by requests for confirmation that a person isn't dreaming, or be completely forgotten in 10 minutes. It's amazing. So, this is Daniel home safe, having conversations with his team about the Rosetta Stone and yet feeling a little surreal and therefore speaking in the subjunctive. Unreliable narrator, our Daniel, and an interesting way to get them all home and happy but not with a complete reset or no consequences.~~~
“Teal’c?” Daniel’s words sounded off. A soft edge on normally harsh consonants.
“Yes, Daniel.” Teal’c said, as they crouched at the edge of the tree line. Daniel felt the muscles tight under his ribs, the high adrenaline pulsing through Teal’c like pain pulsed through him.
“I didn’t mean to get shot. Tell Jack.”
“You did nothing to place yourself in danger any greater than the rest of us faced; O’Neill knows this.”
“He asked what I did.”
“He knows you are a competent soldier, Daniel Jackson. His words perhaps reflected his anger that you have had to become one.”
“Different languages. All mean the same thing.”
Teal’c didn’t answer him, so Daniel said, stickily, “It’s like the Rosetta Stone, Teal’c.”
“We must go now, Daniel Jackson.”
~~~Poor Daniel, caught up in Jack's words and too out of it to just repress (also, Daniel is slightly more alert due to Sam's ministrations, though he's slurring). Plus, I love that Teal'c has considered all of this at length but doesn't feel the need to share his opinions unless asked.~~~
Daniel came to with only a view of sky and shrub and sharp outcroppings of rock. He couldn’t hear anything but the roar of a storm, couldn’t see anything clearly.
He had a vague sensation of chill married to a sharp burning ice in his side. Felt rain pelt his face in sheets of cold, creeping through the fabric of his clothes.
I’m dying, he realized suddenly, but he had faith that Sam would have gotten the notes on the stone to the right people and Jack would have gotten them all home, now Teal’c had gone.
He heard the rhythmic tramping of multiple boots coming towards him, but, he thought, there are worse things than dying.
~~~That's when Teal'c went to go help Sam and get her back to Daniel to deal with his injuries. It's Daniel's worst point in the injury (he's going into shock and near losing consciousnesss in a dangerous way) and he has no idea where he is. It's sort of the beginning of the epiphany for Daniel about being surrounded by people who care about you.~~~
Teal’c had killed Sha’re with one shot. Not to wound. To kill quickly and cleanly. As he killed his own kinsman, just now. Protecting him.
“Right. Daniel gets adrenaline and we stop the bleeding and we get home.” She sounded worried about something. Shaky. “That is my professional field medic opinion.”
“I suggest we move quickly before more Jaffa arrive.”
Sha’re had said her good-byes. Said them to Daniel. Daniel had said that he loved her too. Couldn’t reach out, though, couldn’t move to save her or comfort her or make the nightmare disappear…
“Right, it’s actually not far to the tree line near the gate. When we get there, hang back for a ten-count while I head for the DHD.”
“What of O’Neill?”
She hadn’t died alone. Daniel was there. She had conveyed the information about the boy to Daniel, but on the whole, now he thought about it, Daniel considered that maybe the not-dying-alone part had been the more important gift to Sha’re. She had, after all, understood Teal’c’s actions long before Daniel would.
“He’ll be watching for us. And we’ll give him a heads up over the radio”
~~~At one point, this was the ending, I think.~~~
Jack had a ridiculous obsession with cake. Especially when one of them was in the infirmary and unable to stand to be hugged properly and thus relieve Jack of some of his giddiness. It was a hugging-substitute.
It would be over a piece of completely contraband for invalids cake that Daniel would thank Jack for disregarding his request that the data on the Alien Rosetta Stone be preserved preferentially. Jack would never understand the importance of the Rosetta Stone; after all, it had effectually, been a list of tax reforms. Tax reforms that later would bridge time and cultures, allow the understanding of hieroglyphs and become the first building blocks of Daniels’ field, but tax reforms nonetheless. Perhaps he would value it because Daniel valued it, at least when they weren’t under enemy fire. There were worse ways to come to respect something.
And perhaps Daniel would not understand why the entire team would risk their individual and collective safety just for him, but he was grateful nonetheless that they provided what he needed and got him home. And perhaps that was the greater gift than simply getting the data home. Perhaps his own life was something he would come to value because they did.
Perhaps.
If they were home.
~~~That was not my attempt to get slash into the story, btw, as hugging is canon with those two (as is Jack's need to offer cake to invalids). I like having another subjunctive scene and I like resolving the tension with Jack this way: unspoken, but Jack is over it and apologizing for anything tactless he might have said while worried with cake. It's not Jack's epiphany, though, so it's Daniel who thanks him for valuing the team over the data, which is a step away from Daniel realizing it wasn't just a team thing, it was him personally they valued and only a few steps from there of Daniel valuing his own life too. Not a pat epiphany, though, and it will take a long time to fully realize something like that and he might not even remember some of the lightning bolts, but there you are. I like this for S4 Daniel, and I like the foreshadowing to S5, because he will have to forgive himself for some of his perceived mistakes.~~~
Sam darted out the 20 feet to the DHD ahead of Daniel and Teal’c, under the cover of rain and a sharpshooter 50 yards off their position behind the Stargate.
As Sam dialed, Teal’c ran with Daniel across his shoulders and hit the ground hard with each step, the force of all of it drumming into Daniel with relentless thoroughness. Daniel privately noted that in the future he would ask Sam to not dress the wound so nicely, or maybe nix the adrenaline; he would have preferred to spend the trip home thoroughly passed out.
He supposed that Sam had already sent the iris code through, because he and Teal’c hit the event horizon at Teal’c’s fastest pace, covered by Jack and Sam from the DHD and the side of the Gate. The sensation of melting into the wormhole was strangely akin to passing out.
~~~Slightly more lucid Daniel on adrenaline followed by stoned Daniel on pain meds. Symmetry with someone asking for his thoughts on something (although I think it's probably Janet trying to wake him up, but could be the Sha're hallucination or any other woman Daniel might meet or remember. I kept it for the symmetry although I don't know that it's a whiz bang of a reveal of anything. The betas were divided on the subject so I kept it.~~~
“Daniel?” a woman was saying, he was pretty sure it was Sam. “Talk to me, Daniel…”
~~end~~
Ta da! Team Ficathon story. My first fic to prompts and a deadline and I think I finished the draft and sent to beta weeks before deadline, then just kept editing for ages. Made it a lot better, though I haven't managed to be that ahead of things for other ficathon pieces (at least, not to that extent.) There was more Teal'c and Sam in there than I initially thought. Hope it was clear despite the messed up chronology and unreliable narrator. Hope the driving tension felt reasonable and the obstacles significant. Hope the tone and the pacing worked. Hope the DVD commentary wasn't too self-indulgent. Hope Aurora liiiiiiikes it.
.
Commentary Written For:
aurora_novarum, who pimps a pimp, and does it well.Story Written For:
sg1teamficathon back in December. Prompts: S1-4 (no spoilers for S5 or beyond), Daniel injured and some kind of storm, for Settai.
Spoilers: Forever in a Day. Set S4ish.
Authors notes: Thanks to betas
rydra_wong, kres and delphia2000, who helped so much. I think the betas I asked for help might be my most lasting memory of writing this: it was my first time writing with RW's help, and she's since become soundingboard, cheerleader, behindthescenes person I cannot do without and the one who decides when it's done sometimes. I knew we'd be okay when she put up with my panic about writing for a ficathon and writing waaaaay ahead of the deadline, and when she explained the use of semi-colons in clear, coherent language. Awwwww, this was kind of our first date!
delph is the beta who'd been there from the beginning and seen some of my very worst writing (which I shall not share with anyone else), and Kres inspired the structure and is an extraordinary writer herself. I can't remember exactly how I managed to be so bold as to ask Kres to beta, but I believe it had something to do with her having a really bad time and posting that we should all send her fic. I didn't have anything finished but I think that was the impetus to ask her to glance over my attempt at disjointed chronology and she beta'd in such an extraordinary way: at the end of every scene, she'd recap what she, as a reader, had learned in that scene, when resolution came to quickly, when nothing was advanced, when something was explained, when tension was ramped up. I've passed on the technique to several people because I was just so impressed with how much it helped the story. As a side note, she had actually asked for p0rn stories, and when this was posted admonished me to write her p0rn next time, which is why she got the dedication in the smutfic.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like no one is watching.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
I'm not sure the title needed the clarification, but early season Daniel strikes me as the kind who never cares if people are watching, but hasn't got the kind of joy or value in himself required to celebrate for no good reason.
Like No One Is Watching Now with Authorial Comments!
The story without me nattering is here.
~~~
It was Sam’s voice that Daniel heard, he was pretty sure. Of course, he was also reasonably sure that Sam should be… somewhere else, so there was a good chance as well that she was a hallucination.
Trumping all these musings, though, was the overwhelming confusion about why a culture that seemed to be Central African in origin would be so adept at Chinese water torture.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
Sam? I thought you were with Jack? You need to get the data on the stone back through the gate, Sam.
~~~ So, as Kres would say, we learn that there is separation in the team, that Daniel is injured and there is water (or, if you've read the prompts, some kind of storm). Yes, this was my first ficathon piece and it seemed extremely important to me to
“So,” Sam had said, “Talk to me, Daniel.”
It was the kind of opening she loved to give him and on missions like this, when he was so excited and Jack was so preoccupied with threats and timetables. Daniel would have melted with gratitude if he hadn’t been so buzzed on the implications of his find.
“Sam, this is incredible. This could be the Rosetta Stone of our time… and, I mean, the implications of this are astounding. Although it’s clearly moved from its original place, possibly tactically, it’s carefully guarded…”
“You do not feel that these free warriors seek to remove the local Goa’uld from power, then, Daniel Jackson?” Teal’c asked.
“Well, no, I’m sure they would like that ultimately, Teal’c, but their numbers are too few to really be attempting to overthrow anyone, and this seems like a long term operation, don’t you think? They might not even know what it says anymore. Look at the age on this…”
“I think what Daniel is saying is that they pick their battles, Teal’c.”
“What? Oh, yes, exactly… You know, Sam, this could be one of the greatest discoveries since we opened the Stargate.”
“You, Daniel.”
“What?”
“Since you opened the Stargate. So really, it could be the greatest discovery since your last great discovery? Is that what you’re saying?”
Sometimes, she got far too much joy out of ribbing him. Sam was lucky he was so focused on what he was already calling the Alien Rosetta Stone, or he’d have squinted in her general direction.
~~~ Does anyone else get bored with people not appreciating Daniel? I get really bored with that. He's a standout, he just has really different priorities and doesn't think he's done enough and this fuels the obsession with working. So Sam is being relaxed and geeking out with him and teasing, and I got Teal'c in there too, trying to figure out why a community would protect information rather than stand up and fight out in the open. This was before I had written much Teal'c or Sam centered stuff, so I felt like I had to be deliberate about getting them into the fic in an integral way because it didn't come naturally. Also, RW gets credit for the esoteric Rosetta Stone knowledge and teaching me about it enough to sound like I knew what I was talking about.~~~
Warmth leeched out of Daniel in throbs syncopated to the tramping of Teal’c’s boots. To keep his eyes open was dizzying, but preferable to keen awareness of pain or what was possibly worse, no awareness of anything.
He was glad he’d finally cut his hair, so he could see well enough, hanging sideways over Teal’c’s shoulder, to give warning when he thought he saw a flash of metal in the otherwise damp green forest.
Teal’c reacted quickly and found a defensible position that involved placing Daniel under a bush and dripping water. He couldn’t see much but Teal’c, though Teal’c in full battle mode was something to see and the lightshow could have easily been mesmerizing.
Like the water falling on his face. Mesmerizing.
He found breath for his voice and stuttered through the radio that they were taking cover and taking fire.
A few minutes later Sam asked in a crackled and panting voice, “I’d estimate by this time at a slower pace you’d made it to the valley and turned, possibly half a klick in from the turn. Does that sound right to Teal’c, Daniel?”
Flipping his staff weapon and firing at their left flank, Teal’c roared an affirmative.
Daniel chokingly relayed that information, but it caused him to cough and that seized his muscles and battered midsection and he decided that talking was overrated. It was also getting progressively more difficult to focus on Teal’c, but given the persistence of the pain radiating through his body with each breath and the cold of the rain falling in drips and spikes, there were worse things than passing out.
~~~ I like lateral thinking with Daniel about cutting his hair and stuff, but man, it took some editing before I could let his brain jump from subject to subject and still have it be clear to the reader what was happening. It doesn't help, of course, that he's going to become and increasingly unreliable narrator, in and out of consciousness, caught up in his mind, and unsure of what's real. In this scene, you have further explanation of why water is dripping on his face from the opening Chinese water torture line (because Teal'c put him under a bush to be less visible since he'll not be defending himself really) and demonstration that Teal'c believes him when he says he thinks he saw something, so more faith from the pals. We're set late S4, though, so it makes sense that Daniel would be competent at radioing in their sitrep and mentioning when he saw an enemy.~~~
The storm rolled over them in waves of white noise and varying pressure. The rain could be felt, but not seen until it gathered on leaves, pooled and ran in rivulets that poured into the already saturated air.
Daniel stared at the sky until it suddenly became ground.
Then noise roared in with the pull on his wound and Daniel heard his radio, or Teal’c’s radio, call Jack’s harsh breath and voice.
“Jack,” Daniel croaked into his vest and Teal’s shoulder as he fumbled for the radio’s button to let himself be heard, “Jack, Sam has the rubbings from the stone, those have to get through the gate.”
“Goddamn it, Daniel, enough about the stone! How the hell did you get hit?”
“Tree turned on me.” He mumbled, bumping up against Teal’c’s shoulder; the trees had turned on him again and were upside down.
“Teal’c,” came Sam’s voice through the channel, “we have no access to your position. There is a valley looks to be 1-2 klicks ahead to your left that will bring you around to the side of the Stargate in good cover.”
“Understood. I am unable to make very quick time. However, I do not believe it safe to stop and tend the injury.”
“Acknowledged, we’ll lead them down the other side of this ridge. Get to the gate.”
~~~So this is after Daniel is hit, Teal'c is with him, Jack and Sam are still being pursued and everyone needs to get to the gate. It's a reveal of the primary, I think obstacle in the fic, which is Jack and Daniel being at odds over priorities. Jack is all about personal safety and doesn't pay much attention to the words he uses maintaining that, and Daniel is obsessed with work and words, so sometimes takes Jack too personally. Also, that data is set up as Really Important to Daniel, moreso than his own safety, and Jack is an obstacle to getting that through the gate preferentially, making him an antagonist as long as Daniel feels the data is more important.~~~
“Daniel,” Jack entered the cave with silent footsteps and a large shadow, “Finish those drawings double time. Jaffa presence is increasing this way. We have got to get a move on.”
“Rubbings.”
“What?”
“Can’t we just hole up here, sneak out later?”
“The Colonel is right, Daniel, our tracks will lead them right to this cave and the stone if we aren’t careful.”
“Let me just do one more video pass.”
“I shall remove the evidence of our presence here.”
“Daniel, we have exactly no time for dallying.”
~~~Reveal of the set up, how the day began for Jack and Daniel butting heads, that they're doing everything right, just with different styles.~~~
Daniel was lying the way he had when he watched Sha’re die, Teal’c standing over them, weapon in hand and apology instant.
“Aaaaaah, Teal’c, this is not a clean wound. Splinters and … Jesus! You could kill a vampire with a piece of wood that size.”
“I am unfamiliar with the battle strategies employed against such an enemy.”
Only she had said her goodbyes. Gotten the information to him that her son needed protection, then lay with him as she died. He had laid beside her then, as Teal’c and Sam knelt beside him now.
He would have cursed, but the harsh cold of rain falling on his side, and the added shooting, surging pain stabbing toward his diaphragm every time Sam prodded the open wound took away his ability to yell properly.
“Well, when we get home…” Sam’s voice was a little shaky, “Janet can clean these out, hook Daniel up with some really nice drugs and you and I will explore the wide world of vampire movies.”
“Indeed.”
~~~Does anyone care what the injury was? I'll tell you anyway, it was schrapnel of the tree variety, which was a wink to the horrendously bad shots that are the Jaffa, and also allowing for a lot of smallish, potentially bad wounds that could cause bloodloss and shock, be something that would overwhelm Sam as a field medic and create a new tension in how quickly they get Daniel home. I wanted Daniel out of it, though. I wanted to play with registering, but not understanding (dialog without telling you who's speaking), not really knowing where he is, thinking things aren't real, being more aware of the small picture, like water dripping on him, than the bigger picture of badguys (which allows his faith in his team to show too.) Also? I really love Teal'c and Sam talking about movies (this is clearly a fanon thing for me), and I think Teal'c is more likely in general to say what he's really thinking to Sam then to the others because she'll actually give an explanation relevant to the topic if he's off. Although with the Teal'c ficathon piece, I did not have them watching vampire movies, sadly. I actually think tap-dancing would be way scarier to Teal'c, though.~~~
“I’m nearly there with only approximately 4-5 in pursuit. What is your situation?”
“Reinforcements continue to arrive, though we remain protected and I believe your access remains available.”
“Confirm you are on the same side of the river as the Stargate and backed up against a rock outcropping.”
“Confirmed. Your medical assistance with Daniel Jackson is needed urgently, Captain Carter.”
“There are two more on your left flank, Teal’c, I can’t take them all down on the move like this.”
“I shall meet you approximately half the distance and assist you.”
“Daniel will be alright on his own?”
“He is well concealed, but I believe his awareness of his surroundings is inconsistant.”
Which was not true. There was water dripping on Daniel. He was keenly aware of that.
~~~More with the Daniel out of it stuff, but I like Sam and Teal'c being really kick-ass all around him, and I like that he would notice a little more if he were the subject of the conversation. So I let him register that they were talking about him just in case he over heard what they were getting him for his birthday or something.~~~
It was Daniel’s luck to defy odds and be the one who got hit.
In his defense, though, that Jaffa had hit a nearby tree. The shot had merely ricocheted off the target, along with the assorted splinters and wood spikes and landed somewhere in the vicinity of Daniel’s left kidney.
All of which he had plenty of time to consider while he and Teal’c (who had unfortunately tried to catch him as he fell) slid through mud and shale off the ridge they’d all been running on. Jack and Sam were at a full run when Daniel went down and he could no longer see them in his limited view of the ridge above, which was just as well; the Jaffa would be all over that area in a minute, and the stone was more important.
Daniel turned to look for Teal’c just as the pain in his side began to make itself felt, blooming angrily in radiating throbs straight through his midsection. There were worse things than being alone at this moment, and he hoped that Teal’c and Jack and Sam were in better shape than he, wherever they were.
~~~Explanation for those readers who did not have the author geeking out over their shoulder. It was interesting to write descriptive pain, because I wanted it to be enough to be really present, but on the edge of not feeling like anything anymore due to bloodloss and shock. This is also a comparison scene so everyone is aware of how lucid Daniel can be, since we'll slip into the subjunctive next and that confused some folks.~~~
“Talk to me, Daniel.” She was always saying that.
“Did you get the data through the gate, Sam?”
“Jesus, Daniel, you have a one track mind.” Jack would say.
“Well, technically you had the camcorder so we had to come back for you, right?”
“What is written on that stone, anyway, makes it so damned important to you?”
“It doesn’t really matter what is written.” he would say long-sufferingly. “The point is there are at least 6 different languages and they look to be telling the same story, which would mean …”
“Wait, so it could be a dirty limerick?”
“The universe’s most widely distributed romance novel?”
“How are you feeling, Daniel Jackson?”
Thank God for Teal’c, Teal’c would make them behave even if no one else could.
~~~So here it is: the subjunctive scenes are Daniel home and drugged up to his eyeballs (puncture wounds in torso would have required some attention, and Sam's reaction indicates that some of them might have gone deep which would have required some significant checking out to make sure all organs are good.) The really good drugs have some really wonky effects sometimes: someone will be sitting up and talking to you, close their eyes for a minutes and fall asleep sitting up, or a totally lucid conversation will be interrupted by requests for confirmation that a person isn't dreaming, or be completely forgotten in 10 minutes. It's amazing. So, this is Daniel home safe, having conversations with his team about the Rosetta Stone and yet feeling a little surreal and therefore speaking in the subjunctive. Unreliable narrator, our Daniel, and an interesting way to get them all home and happy but not with a complete reset or no consequences.~~~
“Teal’c?” Daniel’s words sounded off. A soft edge on normally harsh consonants.
“Yes, Daniel.” Teal’c said, as they crouched at the edge of the tree line. Daniel felt the muscles tight under his ribs, the high adrenaline pulsing through Teal’c like pain pulsed through him.
“I didn’t mean to get shot. Tell Jack.”
“You did nothing to place yourself in danger any greater than the rest of us faced; O’Neill knows this.”
“He asked what I did.”
“He knows you are a competent soldier, Daniel Jackson. His words perhaps reflected his anger that you have had to become one.”
“Different languages. All mean the same thing.”
Teal’c didn’t answer him, so Daniel said, stickily, “It’s like the Rosetta Stone, Teal’c.”
“We must go now, Daniel Jackson.”
~~~Poor Daniel, caught up in Jack's words and too out of it to just repress (also, Daniel is slightly more alert due to Sam's ministrations, though he's slurring). Plus, I love that Teal'c has considered all of this at length but doesn't feel the need to share his opinions unless asked.~~~
Daniel came to with only a view of sky and shrub and sharp outcroppings of rock. He couldn’t hear anything but the roar of a storm, couldn’t see anything clearly.
He had a vague sensation of chill married to a sharp burning ice in his side. Felt rain pelt his face in sheets of cold, creeping through the fabric of his clothes.
I’m dying, he realized suddenly, but he had faith that Sam would have gotten the notes on the stone to the right people and Jack would have gotten them all home, now Teal’c had gone.
He heard the rhythmic tramping of multiple boots coming towards him, but, he thought, there are worse things than dying.
~~~That's when Teal'c went to go help Sam and get her back to Daniel to deal with his injuries. It's Daniel's worst point in the injury (he's going into shock and near losing consciousnesss in a dangerous way) and he has no idea where he is. It's sort of the beginning of the epiphany for Daniel about being surrounded by people who care about you.~~~
Teal’c had killed Sha’re with one shot. Not to wound. To kill quickly and cleanly. As he killed his own kinsman, just now. Protecting him.
“Right. Daniel gets adrenaline and we stop the bleeding and we get home.” She sounded worried about something. Shaky. “That is my professional field medic opinion.”
“I suggest we move quickly before more Jaffa arrive.”
Sha’re had said her good-byes. Said them to Daniel. Daniel had said that he loved her too. Couldn’t reach out, though, couldn’t move to save her or comfort her or make the nightmare disappear…
“Right, it’s actually not far to the tree line near the gate. When we get there, hang back for a ten-count while I head for the DHD.”
“What of O’Neill?”
She hadn’t died alone. Daniel was there. She had conveyed the information about the boy to Daniel, but on the whole, now he thought about it, Daniel considered that maybe the not-dying-alone part had been the more important gift to Sha’re. She had, after all, understood Teal’c’s actions long before Daniel would.
“He’ll be watching for us. And we’ll give him a heads up over the radio”
~~~At one point, this was the ending, I think.~~~
Jack had a ridiculous obsession with cake. Especially when one of them was in the infirmary and unable to stand to be hugged properly and thus relieve Jack of some of his giddiness. It was a hugging-substitute.
It would be over a piece of completely contraband for invalids cake that Daniel would thank Jack for disregarding his request that the data on the Alien Rosetta Stone be preserved preferentially. Jack would never understand the importance of the Rosetta Stone; after all, it had effectually, been a list of tax reforms. Tax reforms that later would bridge time and cultures, allow the understanding of hieroglyphs and become the first building blocks of Daniels’ field, but tax reforms nonetheless. Perhaps he would value it because Daniel valued it, at least when they weren’t under enemy fire. There were worse ways to come to respect something.
And perhaps Daniel would not understand why the entire team would risk their individual and collective safety just for him, but he was grateful nonetheless that they provided what he needed and got him home. And perhaps that was the greater gift than simply getting the data home. Perhaps his own life was something he would come to value because they did.
Perhaps.
If they were home.
~~~That was not my attempt to get slash into the story, btw, as hugging is canon with those two (as is Jack's need to offer cake to invalids). I like having another subjunctive scene and I like resolving the tension with Jack this way: unspoken, but Jack is over it and apologizing for anything tactless he might have said while worried with cake. It's not Jack's epiphany, though, so it's Daniel who thanks him for valuing the team over the data, which is a step away from Daniel realizing it wasn't just a team thing, it was him personally they valued and only a few steps from there of Daniel valuing his own life too. Not a pat epiphany, though, and it will take a long time to fully realize something like that and he might not even remember some of the lightning bolts, but there you are. I like this for S4 Daniel, and I like the foreshadowing to S5, because he will have to forgive himself for some of his perceived mistakes.~~~
Sam darted out the 20 feet to the DHD ahead of Daniel and Teal’c, under the cover of rain and a sharpshooter 50 yards off their position behind the Stargate.
As Sam dialed, Teal’c ran with Daniel across his shoulders and hit the ground hard with each step, the force of all of it drumming into Daniel with relentless thoroughness. Daniel privately noted that in the future he would ask Sam to not dress the wound so nicely, or maybe nix the adrenaline; he would have preferred to spend the trip home thoroughly passed out.
He supposed that Sam had already sent the iris code through, because he and Teal’c hit the event horizon at Teal’c’s fastest pace, covered by Jack and Sam from the DHD and the side of the Gate. The sensation of melting into the wormhole was strangely akin to passing out.
~~~Slightly more lucid Daniel on adrenaline followed by stoned Daniel on pain meds. Symmetry with someone asking for his thoughts on something (although I think it's probably Janet trying to wake him up, but could be the Sha're hallucination or any other woman Daniel might meet or remember. I kept it for the symmetry although I don't know that it's a whiz bang of a reveal of anything. The betas were divided on the subject so I kept it.~~~
“Daniel?” a woman was saying, he was pretty sure it was Sam. “Talk to me, Daniel…”
~~end~~
Ta da! Team Ficathon story. My first fic to prompts and a deadline and I think I finished the draft and sent to beta weeks before deadline, then just kept editing for ages. Made it a lot better, though I haven't managed to be that ahead of things for other ficathon pieces (at least, not to that extent.) There was more Teal'c and Sam in there than I initially thought. Hope it was clear despite the messed up chronology and unreliable narrator. Hope the driving tension felt reasonable and the obstacles significant. Hope the tone and the pacing worked. Hope the DVD commentary wasn't too self-indulgent. Hope Aurora liiiiiiikes it.
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Date: 2006-06-23 06:29 pm (UTC)You explained the injury fine in the later scene, I got it was "bark shrapnel" that was hurting him (poor Daniel). I was so into the jumping of Daniel's thoughts and scenes, I didn't catch how awkward this must have been writing for verb tense and clarity. It did very well in both regards.
I didn't see Daniel as taking Jack too personally, but yeah it was very "Torment of Tantalus" obsession about the tape...but he'd learned from then and wasn't heedless of his own safety. Heh. But that may be my own viewing of S4/S5 Jack and Daniel seems to skew differently than a lot of fandom. It's funny how even readers and authors can have slightly different takes on the same tale. Both can agree it's GOOD though. LOL
I agree with your betas. That was a powerful opening and should never have been moved. ;-) Thanks minxy, this was fantastic!
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Date: 2006-06-23 09:09 pm (UTC)I'm not sure I described the taking Jack too personally thing very well. I don't mean that Daniel is ubersensitive, but more that when Jack says 'Daniel! What the hell did you do?' he means, 'oh, crap,' but Daniel hears 'what the hell did you do?' and addresses that. I actually think that Daniel really doesn't pay much attention to most people, but Jack got under his skin early, and I'm fairly sure that Daniel never gets completely over the idea that he's pretty insignificant in the grand scheme.
Glad you liked the beta's opinions. They clarified a lot of things (or made me clarify a lot of things) that might have been really confusing otherwise. It was fun to write, though there were a lot of things being juggled writing in this structure; betas make sure I don't get lazy about communication just because I'm getting snazzy with chronology.
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Date: 2006-06-23 09:31 pm (UTC)Now you could trust me not to ask for the smutty dvds. LOL. I take no responsibility for anyone else on your flist. ;-)
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Date: 2006-06-23 10:33 pm (UTC)