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scholars, I need thee
Jan. 22nd, 2012 04:15 pmI am in a quandary. I am having feelings. Really, I need to process through them, and I need help. I hope you guys can help.
The facts are these:
I got the job I wanted, and I enjoy the work.
The work is all-encompassing. It's my first year, and it never ends.
In 2009, I moved across the country. In 2010 I began a major job search on top of my job. In 2011 I moved back across the country in a leftward manner, and also moved my boyfriend's stuff Northward. My new job now is three times the teaching load, as well as research expectations. E is commuting part time back to his parent's homes to continue working, but that is work, this is home. There was little time to find a community in my new town, and my work cohort didn't mesh the way we did in my last position. There was little time to exercise (though I managed 1 hour a week.)
I ended the year in a state of exhaustion that revealed the utter lack of immune system I'd retained over this time. I have had fevers, sinus colds, chest colds, and fevers again. I had a month off between semesters and I only barely recovered to full health. I am not emotionally at full health.
Words that might describe my feelings: sad. Lonely (E is at work more than he is here.) Exhausted despite not needing sleep. Dread of each week beginning. Sad. Lonely.
It's hard to bargain that all will be well if only I survive feeling this way for the Spring semester, then get to the summer when things will ease, and I won't have to move. I enjoy my work, but E has not established work here. I'm fantasizing about chucking all of it, becoming a community college instructor and having a life, but that would be abandoning the parts of my job that I am most excited about (as much as I'm excited about anything right now) when I go to work these days, and frankly, moving again... well, it's part of the problem, isn't it? You can't solve problems with the same thinking that created them. And you can't solve exhaustion by chucking your dream job and going further into debt with another interstate move just because you miss the support of your partner.
If anyone could maybe tell me that I won't feel this way all semester, or that there is maybe a solution I'm not seeing, that would be great.
The facts are these:
I got the job I wanted, and I enjoy the work.
The work is all-encompassing. It's my first year, and it never ends.
In 2009, I moved across the country. In 2010 I began a major job search on top of my job. In 2011 I moved back across the country in a leftward manner, and also moved my boyfriend's stuff Northward. My new job now is three times the teaching load, as well as research expectations. E is commuting part time back to his parent's homes to continue working, but that is work, this is home. There was little time to find a community in my new town, and my work cohort didn't mesh the way we did in my last position. There was little time to exercise (though I managed 1 hour a week.)
I ended the year in a state of exhaustion that revealed the utter lack of immune system I'd retained over this time. I have had fevers, sinus colds, chest colds, and fevers again. I had a month off between semesters and I only barely recovered to full health. I am not emotionally at full health.
Words that might describe my feelings: sad. Lonely (E is at work more than he is here.) Exhausted despite not needing sleep. Dread of each week beginning. Sad. Lonely.
It's hard to bargain that all will be well if only I survive feeling this way for the Spring semester, then get to the summer when things will ease, and I won't have to move. I enjoy my work, but E has not established work here. I'm fantasizing about chucking all of it, becoming a community college instructor and having a life, but that would be abandoning the parts of my job that I am most excited about (as much as I'm excited about anything right now) when I go to work these days, and frankly, moving again... well, it's part of the problem, isn't it? You can't solve problems with the same thinking that created them. And you can't solve exhaustion by chucking your dream job and going further into debt with another interstate move just because you miss the support of your partner.
If anyone could maybe tell me that I won't feel this way all semester, or that there is maybe a solution I'm not seeing, that would be great.