scholars, I need thee

[minxy]

I am in a quandary. I am having feelings. Really, I need to process through them, and I need help. I hope you guys can help.

The facts are these:

I got the job I wanted, and I enjoy the work.

The work is all-encompassing. It's my first year, and it never ends.

In 2009, I moved across the country. In 2010 I began a major job search on top of my job. In 2011 I moved back across the country in a leftward manner, and also moved my boyfriend's stuff Northward. My new job now is three times the teaching load, as well as research expectations. E is commuting part time back to his parent's homes to continue working, but that is work, this is home. There was little time to find a community in my new town, and my work cohort didn't mesh the way we did in my last position. There was little time to exercise (though I managed 1 hour a week.)

I ended the year in a state of exhaustion that revealed the utter lack of immune system I'd retained over this time. I have had fevers, sinus colds, chest colds, and fevers again. I had a month off between semesters and I only barely recovered to full health. I am not emotionally at full health.

Words that might describe my feelings: sad. Lonely (E is at work more than he is here.) Exhausted despite not needing sleep. Dread of each week beginning. Sad. Lonely.

It's hard to bargain that all will be well if only I survive feeling this way for the Spring semester, then get to the summer when things will ease, and I won't have to move. I enjoy my work, but E has not established work here. I'm fantasizing about chucking all of it, becoming a community college instructor and having a life, but that would be abandoning the parts of my job that I am most excited about (as much as I'm excited about anything right now) when I go to work these days, and frankly, moving again... well, it's part of the problem, isn't it? You can't solve problems with the same thinking that created them. And you can't solve exhaustion by chucking your dream job and going further into debt with another interstate move just because you miss the support of your partner.

If anyone could maybe tell me that I won't feel this way all semester, or that there is maybe a solution I'm not seeing, that would be great.

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

Is the problem that you are waiting for E to get a job where you are? Is that realistic?

You have a demanding job, yes? It is more demanding than it should be? Or are you just in a steep learning curve? Are there boundaries you can set that will give you a better work/life balance?

What career do you want? Will you kick yourself forever if you jump off your current path to settle for whatever job you can get to be closer to E? Or will that make you just as happy? Only you know this. Will you stay where you are, get tenure, and work that system? Or do you envision one more move before you get tenure?

My opinions are probably colored by the fact that TWICE I bailed on my own career and dreams in favor of LOVE and being CLOSER TO MY LOVE and TWICE it ended badly and I ended up broke and disillusioned.

But that's ME AND NOT YOU.

I am rooting for you. Work/life balance is SO HARD and people define it so differently. What makes you happy? What do you want? Really?

[minxy]

But nobody in my path says it ever gets harder than the first year. Except maybe the tenure year or something. I'm starting to remember some of the advice I got last year that didn't really hit home at the time but is starting to now: run your career and meet you own goals, that way, if the institution is the wrong fit, you'll be doing everything right to find the right fit.

He gave everything up for me, poor little moppet. I'm desperately afraid that he'll be unhappy, so it's surprised me somewhat that I had these giant emotional feelings first.

[staranise]

"Exhausted despite not needing sleep" raises the little "biological cause?" flag at the back of my head. Sometimes life circumstances are pretty overwhelming and you just feel bad anyway, but I know too many people who found things way easier to deal with when they got their thyroid problem treated/increased their vitamin D intake/went on antidepressants. If you can manage going to a doctor and maybe getting bloodwork done, it'd be nice to eliminate that possibility.

After all, the body and brain work together in sneaky ways--they keep coming out with studies that show people feeling way better when all they change is spending half an hour on an exercise bike, or spending more time in sunlight. It feels absolutely ridiculous that exercise would cure exhaustion so I hate doing it, but it quite annoyingly does work.

[minxy]

You're bang on several things there. I have a doctor's appointment Wednesday and vitamin D was on my short list of things to discuss, and I've been craving more exercise, actually.

Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer, as they say, but thank you for reminding me that there are actionable responses I might make, beyond just ruminating and thinking more.

[staranise]

:) Glad to be useful. (A prof keeps reminding me that "useful" is always more important than "helpful" when it comes to helping other people.)

I've noticed, even when I go through therapy, I can get lost in my own head. I just get stuck doing circles of thought and slowly getting unhappier. Getting back into balance with my own body and the people around me tends to pull me into balance with myself overall.

[graycardinal]

One question first: given where you are now vs. where you were before (geographically, I mean), is there any chance that some of this is "Seasonal Affective Disorder" of the sort that can be mitigated by the right kind of indoor lighting?

Beyond that particular wild guess, it sounds as if you have a decent handle on the medical aspects of your situation -- what you don't know, you're taking steps to find out.

The personal aspect sounds, well, personal. The one maybe-red flag I see in that is whether or not E's parents are influencing his time-balancing in ways that are counterproductive to your relationship -- but that's purest speculation on my part based on virtually nonexistent data.

As to the social aspect? I suspect part of your difficulty may be that your workplace is the social nexus of your new community, such that finding social opportunities elsewhere nearby is a capital-C Challenge. (There are not, I think, that many tenure-granting institutions in the Pacific NW high desert, I was an undergrad many moons ago at one of them, and parts of my family have deep roots in rural and semi-rural eastern Washington. My network in that part of the world is not what it once was, but I'd be happy to supply such advice or references as I can -- off-journal or on, as you prefer -- given your specific locale; my contact info is in my DW profile.)

[minxy]

There's a chance of seasonal affective disorder, but I have lived near here before for about ten years, and it was the area that had less winter sun. Wait, you know this area; it was Portland. Portland gets almost no sun in the winter, but I was okay. It is highly likely, though, given the trend of my thirties, that I'm picking up all the quirks of my heritage and possibly developing vitamin deficiencies and sensitivities I didn't have before.

I had kind of meant to talk about all of this with my new doctor, but sometimes it does take friends gently pointing out the obvious to you ("exhaustion without fatigue? not normal. medical professionals are warranted." Yes, right. Thank you, guys.)

E's job situation is exactly as predicted, difficulty of his parents letting go and all. He's aware of it, and I was prepared, I thought. In any case, it's not unexpected, and we're working on it.

I do have a question that I can ask here: in this area, what are the great things to do outdoors that you can find a social community within? I'm more of a water person than not, but that seems more solidary here. I would learn to rock climb if it meant neat outdoorsy people. Can you recommend any activities to look into?

[graycardinal]

I know Portland well indeed, and we do have long patches of nondescript gray weather (more so than over east of the mountains, for sure). So SAD may be less likely, though (as you note) people's tolerances and sensitivities can definitely change as we age mature.

I am chuckling at the outdoor-activities question, because despite being a native Northwesterner I am about as non-outdoorsy as it's possible to get. (Well, no, that's an exaggeration, although I *should* get out more than I do. I used to be an avid road-bicyclist, and while I was growing up we did a lot of cross-country skiing.) That said, one can't grow up in this region without absorbing some of the culture. Let's see; for outdoor recreation with a social-community component....

For water-related activities, the closest I can think of is whitewater rafting/kayaking, for which I believe there are group-tour operators available, but that's completely outside my personal experience, and is highly location- and season-specific. I also recall that a couple of the large lakes over along the Washington/Idaho border are noted as water-skiing venues (also completely not my field), but what little I've seen of that culture doesn't suggest it to me as a social activity of the kind you're looking for.

Now snow skiing, either downhill or cross-country -- that might be a different story. At my alma mater, both the competitive and recreational ski programs were very popular, and we had bus and carpool groups heading up to the mountains most weekends during the season. In my era, cross-country skiing was mostly an informal sport, but these days many if not all the major lodges should have groomed trails and very possibly guided group outings programmed. And amusingly enough, rock climbing seems to be enough of a draw these days that you can actually find indoor climbing walls in some athletic-club venues (my alma mater built one on campus, which I think is still there).

One other thought, though, that might be less physically strenuous and more potentially interesting: geocaching. This too is something I have not done at all, but it seems to be (a) a rapidly growing sport, (b) an intriguing mix of outdoor and electronic activity, and (c) almost necessarily social in nature, if in some odd ways. And there are apparently geocaches and geocachers just about everywhere, even in relatively obscure parts of the landscape.

[gelliaclodiana]

The first year in a new, full time academic position is horrible. You are dealing with a new organization, you have a higher teaching load, and you are re-starting your research in a new place, and there is just a lot more work that year than in any other years. I was completely exhausted in my first year at Dal (also at Reed.) Next year, you will be able to build in social time and exercise and all the other things that keep you going. You will be able to find friends.

It will get better, and it will get easier. ::hug:: I just can't promise that it will get easier this semester.

(Also, I think it's hard to remember, when you have your dream job, that that isn't a magic wand that solves every problem. In the real world, no job is perfect.)

[abyssinia]

*hugs*

I don't have amazing advice, or anything to say that others aren't saying, but I wanted to chime in to say that I'm very sorry this first semester was so hard and express a great deal of hope in you finding a way to make things better.

I do know I've heard a lot that the first year at a faculty position is the worst - adjusting to a new place and a new workload and new job and everything else = not easy, no matter how much previous experience prepared you.

I hope you are able to find a way to fit more exercise into your schedule - judging from previous things you've said over the years, I think you are like me in that getting exercise helps keep you sane. Are there any small things you can change? Setting certain time aside each week for *you* or *you and E*? Finding a way to hire a student to help with the grading (my undergrad had no grad students, and thus no TA's, but we had upper level students get paid to grade courses)?

Anyway. Massive *hugs* and good thoughts.

[synecdochic]

Remember, moving is stressful, changing jobs is stressful, challenging relationship limitations are stressful ... assuming you've had all your various hormones, vitamin levels, etc checked and they're all OK, jsut take a deep breath and give yourself permission to take time to adjust.

[splash_the_cat]

Have you been assigned any mentors that you can go to to see if there are institutional work/life resources that may help you, or just to vent to and get some validation that it will get better?

I wish I could come out there and pet you and find you all the good administrative shortcuts and resources.

*gentle hugs*

[elke_tanzer]

If you are spending what you believe to be "enough" time sleeping, and yet don't feel rested, see if your doctor can order you a Novasom in-home three-night sleep study or similar (in the US it is available via mail if your doctor prescribes it, and the Novasom website has details for doctors and patients)... it could tell you if you're not getting enough air while you sleep, which means not actually getting rest.

[greenbirds]

Here via network; hope you don't mind me butting in (which I am, because I am halfway through my second year on the tenure track in biology and thus have words of experience to offer).

Your first year on the tenure track? OH GOD THERE IS NOTHING WORSE. NOTHING. No matter how bad you thought grad school, or postdoc, or whatever miserable adjunct position was, this is at least a hundred times worse.

(People tried to tell me this. I figured that of course they were exaggerating. They were not. I thought I was going to die of exhaustion or have a nervous breakdown or simply melt from sheer misery.)

I promise you, based on the available empirical evidence: it gets orders of magnitude better. Hang in there. *offers you a cup of tea*