She blinded me with *SCIENCE*

It's Ada Lovelace Day! More from me later, but until then, ponder, my people, if you will:

The TRUE! Story of Ada Lovelace, comic form

That's one of many posts going up today to celebrate mathy or techy women. True or false, real or fictional, famous or your sixth grade teacher who invited you to a women in science conference, today would be a wonderful day to talk about it.

And, for the record, we're blogging about women, but people of all genders are invited to do so, no holds barred at this party.

Ada Lovelace day

I had a different plan for today, I was going to try to tell a grand story, about the line of women teachers of science I'd had, who'd suggested I go to a women in science day somewhere when I was a wee little thing.

I have a smaller story to tell, though, less epic maybe.

I stepped out of mainstream academic science last year. It was following a rough two years in a sink-or-swim lab that might be characterized as old school by the good old boys. My mentor was a little type A, and a lot Napoleonic. He used to feel the need to jump up when boarding was called when we were traveling to meetings, or whatever, because he just NEEDED to be the first on the plane, to make sure he had overhead compartment space, or whatever. I preferred to not wait in line, if possible, and was happy to patiently wait in a moderately comfortable chair until I could walk on the plane with a minimum of jostling for space.

We didn't get on. That boss thought I was weak for engaging in discussion rather than confrontation, for spending too much time training other people, but he would ask me to put in orders for things that he couldn't figure out on a computer, he'd have me run interference with people he really didn't get along with. He absolutely forbade me from teaching. He power tripped a lot, sometimes right over my hands, it felt like.

I would have these bad days. And I would come here, largely, or I would escape to IM and talk from work, or whatever, in an attempt to not bash my brains out on my lab bench.

I remember, in particular, discussions with two women, both here, both in IT or computers (one an academic, one not) and I remember, in essence, two things they said to me. One, let's call her Denise, said, "I think you need to think about leaving there. If not for good, then you need to go home now and pamper yourself. I'm talking baths with candles with cocoa butter scrubs and goop. You need pampering."

I didn't think I could leave my job, I didn't think I had that option. I didn't think I had a working drain plug for my bathtub, but a little plumbing and sussing out some candles and I did feel so much better. A hot bath was really good advice. So was leaving that job.

When I did leave that job, I remember talking to fabulous techy woman #2 (let's call her Judith,) who said to me that focusing on weaknesses, either ones you identify yourself or ones other people point out to you (whether constructively or not), leads to mediocrity. In essence, I took from that perfectly timed conversation that whatever I'd learned about managing upwards, or techniques, or self-criticism, blah blah blah equivocating, I'd learned as much as I was likely to with someone who wanted to break me down.

So I left that job, and my God, did a better one fall into my lap. A perfect position, that is exactly what I wanted (teaching! research! managing a lab WELL and crafting a program and working with undergraduates and doing it all WELL!) with so many opportunities that I am awash in things to learn and become and do and try. I would call it a more feminine approach to science than the old school ideal of fame and asshattery, but the truth is that I am surrounded by other scientists here doing the same thing, and I'm one of only two women in the department. I am mentored here by a fantastic man who values all the things I value (except he prefers curling to boating, but no one's perfect), so it's not that this particular brand of practicing chemistry is so feminine that all the women flock to this side of the pond. My God, though, I'm glad I'm here.

I'm playing to my strengths, though, and some of them are feminine. I have young women I've never met who show up at my office at 5:30 at night asking my opinion on whether they should major in biochemistry or how they make that choice. I've had seniors (men and women) who told me I showed them a different way to *think*, my GOD, and it's influenced where they chose to go to grad school. I have become someone that models a new kind of scientist (from their point of view), and that's amazing. I am becoming the kind of scientist I always wanted to be, meaning someone who mentors other and is a roll model and accessible and still successfully balancing that with a respectable, fundable research program...

(Oh, my former advisor thought I was failing out when I took this position and left mainstream basic science.)

So much, I am learning, so fast. It's possible to be overwhelmed by worthy endeavors, too.

So a few weeks ago, I over extended a bit. And people who love me, they bolstered me up, yes they did. And Judith sent me a little box of amazing smelling, wonderful girly things that I received today (I didn't know they *made* perfumes that smelled like that! So amazing, cheered me all day to smell my wrist! I can't wait to try a different one tomorrow!) So today, I had pampering, from one of a community of smart, techy, wonderful women here, who sometimes know just what to say. I am so grateful for the friendship of you crazy people in my computer, for your support and understanding and fantastic advice. I hope to give it back in spades.

I tell you what, none of my male colleagues in science would have suggested some fabulous perfumes as a way to recover from mid-term craziness, and it was a perfect, wonderful gesture.

(Thank you so much, Judith.)

Rock on, techy, mathy, sciency women.


Read more about Ada Lovelace, or see the other postings about awesome women in science here: Ada Lovelace Day