It is a very strange dichotomy

I once had a new mother try to explain to me the moment when you are just so frustrated, having been up all night or dealt with temper tantrums or whatever, that you fall into this odd, odd, self-pity. You weep because you are so frustrated and, for that split second of a moment, you consider being unhappy, or you think you are unhappy. And the woman who was telling me this went half-way around the world to adopt her son, was on a wait-list for ages before that. She wanted to be a mother. She had exactly what she wanted, she was just exhausted and couldn't name what she was feeling accurately. Couldn't really explain it, even with a little perspective.

I sort of understood. I didn't empathize, not being a parent, but I tried to sympathize. My Mom knew instantly what she was talking about. That's empathy for you. Fortunately, I have a well-developed self esteem. I blame my Mom, at least partly.

I get it more now.

I started teaching a half-semester class today. It's unlike anything I've taught before because it's four hours at once, and laboratory methods. How do you introduce that? How do you deal with different backgrounds in your students? What do you have time to introduce and what do you need to tell them to go and learn?

I wasn't prepared enough. I was so frustrated about that going in. I spent days finding moments to code a website so I can have them upload their data to our wiki. Predictably, there were things that still weren't sorted by the time I got to class. I have a stack of final exams from my last class, on top of their half-graded third exams. I have my own work, which has been stagnated for weeks.

I am only really teaching one class at a time. What the hell am I going to do when I have to teach three in a single semester?

I hate not being on my game for a class. It was fine, actually; a get-your-feet-wet kind of first day. I'll know what to tell them to get started after break. I couldn't have done as much as I did if this weren't my third class.

But. I am so beat. I literally feel bruised at my shoulders, I've so many knots in the muscle.

But.

But you know? This is exactly where I want to be, and I know in my BONES that this is what I want to be doing. Instinctively I am virtually sure that this is what I should be doing.

And for the last, oh, week or so, I've been at my wits end, having overstretched. I wanted the experience of all those classes I've filled in for, it will be brilliant to talk about having taken students to a conference and worth it to help my collegues by proctoring their exams and WHATEVER.

I am so tired, that three times today I felt like I wanted to cry (I don't cry, as a rule, so this is a fairly extreme reaction.)

I just. I know this is exactly where I want to be. I do.