minxy

...so I shan't apologize for the Friday spam.

This is the Teal'c translation post! In it, we shall attempt to illustrate: formal language, humor, brevity and non-wallpaperness.

tielan, in a very nice post titled Five Suggestions On How To Write Teyla, issues this challenge, which I'm adapting:

From the following ten things, choose four and in one paragraph each, describe how Teal'c would:

--answer the telephone when a telemarketer calls
--tell a funny story
--dance alone at home
--cry (you pick why)
--argue with a truck driver
--vomit
--flirt with a waiter/waitress
--play with a small child
--eat a lobster
--wake up to have breakfast alone
--prepare to go out for an important dinner

Okay, so.

Describe how Teal'c would answer the telephone when a telemarketer calls. If Teal'c was dealing with a telemarketer, I'm assuming he'd have to have answered the phone at Jack or Sam or Daniel's place, which gives us two layers of potential funny: the first is Teal'c just messing with the telemarketer. The second is the team reacting to him. So Teal'c is the straight man and the reactions from the team are the punchline, effectively.

Now, Teal'c would not mess with a telemarketer in the same way that Jack (oh, I'm a big fan of nuclear weapons! Count me in! Oh, you're *protesting* them? Why? Have *you* ever thought about what the world would look like without really huge nukes? ) or Daniel (Well, you know what's really interesting is that in the history of the two party system in the United States, the republican's used to be the liberal party, did you know that? It's fascinating, let me tell you about it.) or Sam (I don't have cable. Seriously. No, I really don't. Are you okay?) would. No, Teal'c's conversation might go something like this:
"You may speak."
*cue Peanuts-like 'mwa mwa mwa wa waaaaaa?' speaking through the handset.*
"I do not see what concern it is of yours whether I receive a daily newspaper or not."
"Mwa mwa waaaaaaa?"
"I do not believe you, in fact, have the capability of delivering such a news source to my place of residence."
"Mwa?"
"There are many levels of security."
"Mwa wa wa?"
"No, I do not believe that you would be physically harmed, just delayed for an unforseen amount of time. You would likely also be required to submit for a urine test."
"MWA! Wah wah waaaaaah!!!!!eleventy!"
"My criminal history is likewise not your concern."
*telemarketer hangs up*

Now, I suspect at this point that Jack would offer Teal'c a high-five once he set down the receiver (which Teal'c would receive with dignity and then fold his hands behind his back.) Daniel and Sam would probably be standing side by side, having completely forgotten the pizza or beer or coffee or tea or whathaveyou that they were holding. Daniel would have to shut his mouth abruptly, and Sam would be grinning openly and suggesting that next time? They put the call on speakerphone. Teal'c would bow most graciously.

Describe how Teal'c would argue with a truck driver

I'm going to set this one in 1969, when Teal'c, if you recall, hitchhiked much more effectively than Carter by walking into the street and putting his arms up. The faith he had that 1. the VW bus would stop or 2. in Jaffa v. VW bus, the Jaffa would win, is just astounding.

But I digress. Let us assume that Teal'c walked into the street to hail some form of transportation and the next vehicle on the road was not a VW bus, but instead a large semi truck with decent sized cab so that it would fit all four of them as passengers. If the truck driver were really driving badly, I expect Daniel would look alarmed and wide-eyed at the first hard swerve (he cannonically has more phobias than the others) and mention that it's a good thing no one else is on the road. Sam would suggest that the driver looked really tired and offer to take over, Jack would offer something similar, but significantly less tactfully. And he might (any of them might) totally get shut down, depending on how annoyed the driver was at Teal'cs hitchhiking technique and how long it'd been since he'd showered. But Teal'c, nooooo, you do not shut down someone who looks like Teal'c, even if he's dressed in hippy duds (or if he isn't.) So Teal'c would say something like "I believe this mode of transportation would be significantly safer were you to remain on the proper side of the central divider line." And the driver would open his mouth to snap something about minding your own business, then shut it abruptly when he realized which guy was in the passenger seat.

Teal'c, of course, would be completely aware of the doubletake, as well as the expressions on his team's faces, all scrunched in the tiny back seat. He'd be aware, though he would be serenely watching out the front windshield. When the driver swerved again and jerked his head up out of sleep doing so, Teal'c would have raised an eyebrow, informed the man that he would drive now, banish him to the bunk in back (with Jack and Sam as pillows) and promoted Daniel to passenger seat to teach him to drive. All in a very calm voice.

Describe how Teal'c would play with a small child

I'm cheating a little here, because we've seen Teal'c be really gentle with Cassie when she was 12 and frightened and alone, and we've seen him deal with R'yac's adoration and fury, and he completely trusted Ally, (the girl who would be Cassie) when he got very sick. Come to think of it, that was a great episode, I should rewatch that one. Anyway, he repaid Ally's kindness by buying her a watergun with superior range and firepower, then engaging her in what I imagine was a fantastic water war. Daniel got a bit caught in the crossfire.

But here's my point: kids think Teal'c is pretty awesome, and he talks to them as though they are adults. Or as though they are his coworkers, which may well be his 'talking to children' voice. But, Teal'c is a father, and his son R'yac grew up to be a pretty awesome guy himself. Teal'c is also perfectly capable of playing games, especially if they're mock-battle games like the water-gun fight, Teal'c would absolutely get those, though he has also canonically played Old Egyptian games with Daniel. Also, appendix A: Teal'c's Five Favorite Board Games by

paian (which is a fabulous character insight, but also a really great example of proper grammar + lovely vocabulary = Jaffa voice.)

Describe how Teal'c would prepare to go out for an important dinner

Early seasons? Teal'c would put on his favorite bronzer, eyeshadow and liner, and work it. Please to see also:

psychofilly's How Teal'c Discovered Make-Up.

Later seasons he transitioned away from makeup applied with a trowl (hun, that is not your color, and less is more, srsly) and into incredibly wonderful garish shirt/hat combinations. I like to think he's going through a Humphrey Bogart phase right about now, what with the whole 'Teal'c Private Eye' fantasy he had going on. I mean, that's canonical interest in black and white movies! I feel terribly validated by that since I wrote him watching old movies with Sam and I still love the idea.

OKAY. Quick illustration of Jaffa wordage vs. other teammate's phrasology:

Question: Did that hurt?

Jack would say "Ya think?"
Daniel would say "Ow, yes. Can I have...? Yeah. Thanks."
Sam would say "What? I'm fine. Did we get the results?"
Teal'c would say "Excruciatingly" and continue doing whatever needs doing.

Question: So, movie night Friday?

Jack would say "As long as it isn't one of Daniel's 'educational' movies."
Daniel would say "As long as Jack doesn't talk through the whole thing (like last time)" ("Hey!" "What?" "You talked through Indiana Jones." "Oh please, that movie was completely historically inaccurate!")
Sam would say "Sure! Come get me before you leave, okay?"
Teal'c would say "May I contribute a movie or beverage?"

Statement: I think it's worth pursuing.

Jack would say "Cool, let's pencil it in. Lunch?"
Daniel would say "I really think P48-225 is a bigger priority."
Sam would say "Great, I'll get everything prepped."
Teal'c would say nothing, because he wasn't asked a direct question and doesn't feel the need to speak simply for the sake of making noise.

Anyone else? Thoughts?