4. What are you afraid of?

[minxy]

My wedding.

Seriously.

Also, I should mention that same sex marriage is legal in my state and I'm very happy that anyone who wants to have a wedding may! But I am terrified.

Mostly because:

1. people stare at me quite enough in my teaching day job
2. there are girly expectations and I am pants at girly things
3. my mother has been telling me this day is Very Much For Her since I was five
4. there are traditional expectations and I am pants at things I don't see the point of, this rarely goes over well in the public relations department
5. I hate uncomfortable shoes.
6. I hate that people will panic about bunting or gifts
7. I know it will be expensive for people to fly in
8. I don't really want to register for anything except perhaps donations for a house downpayment. We won't get away with that, even though we may try.
9. eh, reasons. This is not something I have dreamed about or wanted, so I am having trouble seeing the point of such expense.
10. people will lecture me, in a way that makes it clear that this IS them compromising, that it has to Be About Me that day (not us, me) and that I have to assert myself! Rarely do I feel more misunderstood.

Yup. I adore my guy, really excited to be married to him, and love that he's planning the wedding itself. Possibly it will be great! So far it's been really fun to watch him be so excited.

Comments

[synecdochic]

ugh! I hope you manage to figure out something that will make you happy, not other people's expectations.

(we're in the same position re: gifts. when we finally have the wedding, i swear i'm going to break etiquette and put on the invitations "your presence is all the gift we want", or something like that. especially since we've been married for years and the wedding is just going to be an excuse to get all our friends together for a huge party!)

[minxy]

Yeah, my Dad, (who is really being amazing liasing between me and my Mom, and working with Eddie to get this thing done) is making the case for "please just come be with us" right next to some kind of registry for people who are older and won't understand.

....eeeeeeh, he has a point with that one. And he's pointing out that we do not have to register for traditional things (REI is an option, f'rinstance) but I really can't see allowing a "shower" of any kind. I just... no. NO.

It's hard to do, though. Not only do E and I, who both cook and combined two kitchens filled with stuff, not need any more plates (seriously), but the plates we use every day are my Grandmother's wedding china. So, you know, we have wedding china already. And silver. It was just Nana's. And, frankly, that woman got married a lot; I really feel like she covered the traditional gift ground enough for several generations.

[synecdochic]

heh. yeah, my sister just got married to her dude; they've been living together and functioning as married for 13 years now. what the fuck do you do with that? (as it happens, i performed the ceremony -- talk about having to try to figure out what 'marriage' is, and why it's significant enough to do it, in a context like that! fortunately i seem to have gotten something right; i think literally every single person who was at the ceremony made a point of coming up to me afterwards and saying how absolutely beautiful it was, and apparently some of the people from the neighborhood who were there -- it was a home wedding at my parents' second house, which is one of those Stepford-village scary suburbia type neighborhoods, and about half the block was at the wedding -- have been asking my mom if i do vow renewals, too. :P)

charity wedding registry, maybe?

[minxy]

Wow, Syne, what did you say? Sounds lovely. I really do find myself aware that there is such a fight for the right to do exactly what I am resisting. I'm interestingly conflicted about it. But he moved up the coast for me, and left his hometown where he is respected and loved for a place where he can't get any respect. And I am trying to move back near his hometown because I can't stand to see him unappreciated. For us, it became a situation of realizing we couldn't commit any harder than we already had, and it was maybe time to have the word, let other people know and celebrate what a nice team we are. It's so important for Eddie, and I'm getting tired of explaining that my "boyfriend" is a very serious relationship--I think I need the word.

I get along well with my family, but they women in my line (as you have observed) are Strong Willed, and my Mom loves this shit; I don't. We're bound to butt heads, I'm dreading that. Dad is going above and beyond, though, reminding Mom how overbearing Nana was when she got married and how much she resented it for DECADES. He also reminds me that many generations will be at the wedding and it's important, that it symbolizes gathering for a growing, joyful thing, rather than an ending (funeral), which is the only other time this happens. I do appreciate that kind of perspective, so Dad can really talk me into anything he thinks is important. Then again, my Dad can talk me into all kinds of crazy things, that is not new.

According to Dad, there's a critical element in wedding gifts: that they will want to buy me a thing that I will look at periodically and remember came from them. eh. If they can't handle the house downpayment option, we'll probably register for some other things we really want, like a deep freezer or a new alarm clock or whatever. We've still got 10 months to come up with shit.

[synecdochic]

i think your dad's way of thinking about it is a really good one! and it's kind of related to what i said at the wedding (which i will email you, if you remind me what your email address is) -- that weddings are about ceremony, and ceremonies are about public statements and about ritual and observation, that we use them to draw lines between the 'then' and the 'now' and invest them with power. and yes, familial observation is an important thing!

and see, i don't get the "people give wedding gifts as a reminder" way of thinking, but then again, i come from the northeast, where "cash as wedding present" is very, very culturally acceptable. (it's really interesting how regional that is; i have friends who are utterly horrified at the idea, and consider it the worst faux pas possible, but it's so common in the social and cultural circles i grew up in that even 20 years ago you wouldn't think of having a 'gifts' table at the reception that did not include a place that was clearly designed for cards/cash to be put.) the "is cash an acceptable wedding present" divide is so, so regional. it's been spreading in the last decade or so, but i don't think it's ever going to be universally agreed-upon.

[minxy]

Oddly, Mom is from the NE too, so I think it may also be a class-thing. E's family on in California will probably be really grateful that they can give what they can and not be judged for the size of the box. My family and their friends will probably want to make a visible gesture (and part of the family will ignore the registry and buy little floaty glass things that are far too expensive and useless. Not that they did that at my cousin's wedding or anything.) I don't know. I do know that people get really emotionally caught up in other people's weddings. It's a great party, people! If you manage to show up from the other side of the country fuck bringing a gift, you're shelling out half your discretionary income for the year. Just show up! That's awesome!

I do like heritage, though. And I like the honor of it and I like that E is so excited to invite people to celebrate us. I am irrationally terrified, I admit. I'll just cower behind E and slowly make my way towards August.

Are you still thinking that you and S will have a big ol' wedding eventually? At some point I may shoot wedding dress photos at you and ask advice about long bras or something if you're down. I'll send you an email shortly so you can reply. It's a nightlight email handle, if that helps when searching the spam folder.

[synecdochic]

yeah, i still want to have the big-ass party, but sarah is less convinced. i might throw the big-ass party and tell her she's allowed to hide somewhere during the reception :P

email got! i will send you the ceremony. i am probably not your girl to go to for 'foundation garment' advice, seeing as how apparently women who are built like me are not allowed to have nice things and therefore i know very little about fsahion, but i can ooo at pretty dresses :)

[minxy]

Hey! The littlest I get is a c/d cup, so I don't ask advice of small ladies. A fantastic woman I know in the opera fashion seamstress/call girl field recommended a long bra rather than a display corset, so I tried a few on and discovered that they have shitting cup shapes (must try on many) but good support. J and E also recommended a shop in California founded by a curvy woman (apparently a KK cup) who just wanted to provide undergarments for woman who needed help finding nice things in their size. THAT MEANS US. Everybody needs foundations, is my point. If you have a glorious chest, someone wants to glorify it. Truth.

I'm excited to see the ceremony. Thanks!

[synecdochic]

yeah, my problem is that i can't tolerate underwire and i have a mild latex allergy, so in addition to the fact that i'm an I cup, i also have to be vigilant about materials and style. siiiiiiigh.

bodies! so hard.

[sid]

Just put on your 'Daniel Jackson spectacles' and treat it all as a fascinating cultural thingymadoo that you are OMGSOLUCKY to get to observe and participate in!


No?

Yeah, I wouldn't buy that either.

#5 - is barefoot an option? LOL.

[ivorygates]

6. I hate that people will panic about bunting or gifts

There's bunting?

[minxy]

Two words: FLIP FLOPS.

And no shellac on my hair, either. I have rules.

I am having a blast watching E and his family sort out most of it so far.

[minxy]

Dear God, I hope not. I... really hope not.

But that's the kind of amorphous thing that might become concrete, you know? Horrifying.

[minxy]

OMG, yes. With those requirements, yes. Very hard. Oh! And I bet you still want it to be cute and comfy.

Don't I remember that you were a ren faire type, though? Wasn't that full corset and minimum able to rest a beer stine on your cleavage? Mayhaps I misremember.

Some of the underwires I tried on in the long bras were legit terrible, though. I don't know who they thought they were trying to fit, but I can't imagine a D cup with that narrow a diameter on the cup.

[synecdochic]

yes! if i could just wear a bodice all the time it'd be much easier....

and i don't care much about 'cute', although it is nice that lane bryant has been making their plain-cotton-no-underwire bras in a bunch of different styles lately. i have an acid green one with black polka dots! that's a nice change from "beige, grey, or black". :)

[minxy]

I'll have to take your word for it on bodices. I have a blue with white polka dot bra that I've been trying to wear, but it's really only enough when I'm a C, so it's not been cutting the mustard. Beige, white or black it is for me, lately.

I suffer greatly. Woe. Except I get to have regular amazing sex, so I really shouldn't be complaining...

[synecdochic]

ha. yes, many things can be forgiven for regular amazing sex :)

[minxy]

Truth. *witness hands*

[ivorygates]

Yes. Yes, it is.

I suppose it's too late to announce that your lifelong dream has been a dawn wedding barefoot on the beach, right?