It is a very strange dichotomy
Mar. 9th, 2010 08:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minxyI once had a new mother try to explain to me the moment when you are just so frustrated, having been up all night or dealt with temper tantrums or whatever, that you fall into this odd, odd, self-pity. You weep because you are so frustrated and, for that split second of a moment, you consider being unhappy, or you think you are unhappy. And the woman who was telling me this went half-way around the world to adopt her son, was on a wait-list for ages before that. She wanted to be a mother. She had exactly what she wanted, she was just exhausted and couldn't name what she was feeling accurately. Couldn't really explain it, even with a little perspective.
I sort of understood. I didn't empathize, not being a parent, but I tried to sympathize. My Mom knew instantly what she was talking about. That's empathy for you. Fortunately, I have a well-developed self esteem. I blame my Mom, at least partly.
I get it more now.
I started teaching a half-semester class today. It's unlike anything I've taught before because it's four hours at once, and laboratory methods. How do you introduce that? How do you deal with different backgrounds in your students? What do you have time to introduce and what do you need to tell them to go and learn?
I wasn't prepared enough. I was so frustrated about that going in. I spent days finding moments to code a website so I can have them upload their data to our wiki. Predictably, there were things that still weren't sorted by the time I got to class. I have a stack of final exams from my last class, on top of their half-graded third exams. I have my own work, which has been stagnated for weeks.
I am only really teaching one class at a time. What the hell am I going to do when I have to teach three in a single semester?
I hate not being on my game for a class. It was fine, actually; a get-your-feet-wet kind of first day. I'll know what to tell them to get started after break. I couldn't have done as much as I did if this weren't my third class.
But. I am so beat. I literally feel bruised at my shoulders, I've so many knots in the muscle.
But.
But you know? This is exactly where I want to be, and I know in my BONES that this is what I want to be doing. Instinctively I am virtually sure that this is what I should be doing.
And for the last, oh, week or so, I've been at my wits end, having overstretched. I wanted the experience of all those classes I've filled in for, it will be brilliant to talk about having taken students to a conference and worth it to help my collegues by proctoring their exams and WHATEVER.
I am so tired, that three times today I felt like I wanted to cry (I don't cry, as a rule, so this is a fairly extreme reaction.)
I just. I know this is exactly where I want to be. I do.
I sort of understood. I didn't empathize, not being a parent, but I tried to sympathize. My Mom knew instantly what she was talking about. That's empathy for you. Fortunately, I have a well-developed self esteem. I blame my Mom, at least partly.
I get it more now.
I started teaching a half-semester class today. It's unlike anything I've taught before because it's four hours at once, and laboratory methods. How do you introduce that? How do you deal with different backgrounds in your students? What do you have time to introduce and what do you need to tell them to go and learn?
I wasn't prepared enough. I was so frustrated about that going in. I spent days finding moments to code a website so I can have them upload their data to our wiki. Predictably, there were things that still weren't sorted by the time I got to class. I have a stack of final exams from my last class, on top of their half-graded third exams. I have my own work, which has been stagnated for weeks.
I am only really teaching one class at a time. What the hell am I going to do when I have to teach three in a single semester?
I hate not being on my game for a class. It was fine, actually; a get-your-feet-wet kind of first day. I'll know what to tell them to get started after break. I couldn't have done as much as I did if this weren't my third class.
But. I am so beat. I literally feel bruised at my shoulders, I've so many knots in the muscle.
But.
But you know? This is exactly where I want to be, and I know in my BONES that this is what I want to be doing. Instinctively I am virtually sure that this is what I should be doing.
And for the last, oh, week or so, I've been at my wits end, having overstretched. I wanted the experience of all those classes I've filled in for, it will be brilliant to talk about having taken students to a conference and worth it to help my collegues by proctoring their exams and WHATEVER.
I am so tired, that three times today I felt like I wanted to cry (I don't cry, as a rule, so this is a fairly extreme reaction.)
I just. I know this is exactly where I want to be. I do.
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no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 02:13 am (UTC)and it's a great feeling to know you're doing what you really want, being where you really belong. yeah.
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Date: 2010-03-10 03:19 am (UTC)It will get easier with time and experience, babe. You are rocking.
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Date: 2010-03-10 04:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 04:16 am (UTC)I also remember you telling me, sometime a few years ago when I was in a crappy place and a crappy job and I'd had a crappy day (a rough day in this job is still better than the best days in that one) that some days just call for pampering. So my sweetheart is coming tomorrow, and I will take several days off during Spring Break (where I don't go in at ALL) and I will stay home and cook and have sex and throw snowballs and be in love and all that, and I will not worry at all about whether I could have explained PCR better to my juniors. For I will have a lot of time to explain PCR to them later again and better, but now is the time for pampering and sweethearts and Spring Break. Thank God, you know? Sometimes, the universe times things really nicely.
Is pampering time now. Also, I have tons of Palmer's lotion. I love that stuff.
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Date: 2010-03-10 04:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 04:38 am (UTC)Despite the exhaustion and everything, it still sounds awesome (the feeling that it's RIGHT in spite of everything else - that bit I mean). Hang in there. This too shall pass and it'll get easier the more you do it (or so they tell me).
*squishes some more*
[It's...I'm getting braver of saying outloud that that's what I want to do - the small liberal arts college thing - getting braver that it's an okay thing to want to do.]
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Date: 2010-03-10 01:49 am (UTC)When you teach 3 classes you usually teach at least 2 you've taught before. So while the first year (or two) are like fostering newborns, after that it's not so bad. Plus you develop a big wad of skills and material from ANY class you've taught that you recycle for other classes even if they're not the same class.
Also four hours at once is a bitch. And a half semester course is a bitch. Both together is like two bitches on a stick. And not the good kind.
Plus you get some help. I can't imagine why you're coding a wiki for your class yourself. Schools have people for that sort of thing. Ask me how I know.
That said, our laboratory methods guy has some good ideas which I will share with you if you want to phone during the day sometime but not if they will make you cry.
If you're where you want to be, then trust me. It gets easier.
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Date: 2010-03-10 02:47 am (UTC)Break. It came at kind of one week too late, but at least it's here (even if you start one class the week before a week's break... I don't even know why that had to go down like that.)
Talk to you later?
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Date: 2010-03-12 03:58 am (UTC)I'm really glad your sweetie is coming to care you up a bit. I hope you take hot baths and sleep a LOT.
*hug*